The Coldness of a Dead Heart

I know that there are millions of love stories and relationship stories out there for all to see, but I want to tell one of my own. It's not because I want you all to read it, but it is more of a therapeutic nature that I write this story. I love to write and I am a visual learner, so when I see the words in front of my eyes, it helps me to put all the pieces together and get a different view of things. Here goes.

I'm going to open the door of my life just a crack, and let you all peek in at a certain period of my life, so you will understand this story.

This is going back to my younger years when I was in my thirties. My world was crumbling around me. I was losing my financial security, my family, and the very essence of who I was, was ebbing away at a very rapid pace.

When I was a kid, my friends and I would play this game. We would go under water, close our eyes, and spin a person around and around and then stop. Then that spinning person would would open thier eyes, and for a few seconds, you couldn't tell which way was up and which way was down.That's how I was feeling at this period in my life. I didn't know which way was up or which way was down. I was very confused and very disorientated.

During this time, I met someone who was extremely nice and very understanding of me and my circumstances. They wanted to hear and listen to everything that I had to say. We would talk for hours. They were giving me something that I hadn't had in a long time and they were giving out with no payment required. They were giving me a listening ear and a very good friend.

The relationship continued to blossom, but not without it's bumps and bruises, as any relationship has, as it grows. It took a long time, but I was starting to fall in love with this person.

You see we had started out as friends and friends always make good partners. Your spouse should be your best friend, and if they aren't, then there is something wrong. I'm not saying that you can't have other friends, you should have other friends, what I'm saying is your best friend, above all the others, should be your spouse. The one you can go to with anything, the one you can talk to no matter how you're feeling. This is worth it's weight in gold.

Well it was awhile, but the wedding bells rang and the real relationship of Holy Matrimony started, but it didn't last very long. As fast as it started, is as fast as the downward spiral began.

It started when her daughter's boyfriend had a very tragic accident at work. She was pregnant with his child and they called her with the news of the accident. He was not expected to live through the night. From that point on, she was gone every night, staying at the hospital with her daughter. This went on for about three months. The boyfriend did pull through and made a miraculous recovery.

Then her mother was diagnosed with cancer. That was about two years, and I was with her during most of that time. Then two of her friends and now it is to the point where she doesn't stay home, and if she is home, she is on the phone with her friends or her ex-husband. I have been totally eliminated from the picture. I am not a part of her life any more. Her heart has become dead to me.

I don't know exactly what happened, but it became a slow transition, from always talking to me and being with me, to living without me and never talking to me at all. We pass each other like two ships in the night. When I do try to talk to her, she just ridicules me, or criticizes me about everything. Picks apart everything I say and do to where meaningful conversation is impossible. It has become very clear that I really don't matter very much any more to her, and if she has some extra time, she will gladly give it to someone else or something else in a moment, before she will give it to me.

I'm no physiologist, but I have a feeling that her terrible relationship with her dad, and losing the close relationship she had with her mother, has a lot to do with it. I was something that filled the void for awhile and made the pain go away for a time, but that didn't last, and it was time for her to go out and look for others to do what I had done.

I pray for her every day. She is just such a lost person, that struggles with her self image, and her self esteem, like so many women struggle with. You have to learn to love yourself before you can learn to love someone else. You have to be able to look into the mirror and be comfortable with who you are. I know there is always room for improvement for all of us, but we should be happy with the cards that we have been dealt with. Change what you can change and be happy with the rest.

It hurts and it is very painful, when the person that you love doesn't want to be with you anymore. Doesn't find any enjoyment in your company, or find anything of value that they can connect with you in life. How can a heart that was so full of love and life, grow so cold and dead? How someone can just slam the door shut and walk away? I don't understand.

I know she is a hurting and struggling person herself. The coldness of a dead heart has got to be an incredible burden to carry. We used to carry things together, and she chooses to carry this all alone, and it has put a huge division between us both, and the division continues to widen and widen with each passing day.

That's my story, and unfortunately I don't have a conclusion to give you. Maybe part two will come soon.

I continue to hope and pray and I will continue to be here when and if she ever wants to be here with me. I hope that day comes soon.