The Emotional Punching Bag
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Life is full of emotions and feelings. We are surrounded and raised, from the time we enter this world, on feelings and emotions. They mold us and form us into what and who we become. This is a given. There is no way around this fact. We do not choose the parents we have or the house we are going to be raised in.
Some have been raised, and their lives have been molded, by homes that have been built on guilt and shame, stress and anxiety. These are lives that will grow up with anger and depression problems. Every day will be a struggle for them. They will know no other way, but to push and shove their way through life trying to find that emotional balance that will lead to happiness and a good self image. The environment that we live in will dictate what kind of foundation or platform our personalities and characters will be poured into. This will set the stage of what kind of struggles we will face that will make us who we become.
I was raised in a home that the word "love" was never spoken, except when we were all going to bed. We would recite back to my parents, "goodnight, I love you". It become so much a part of us and our routine, that we would just say it without much thought or meaning behind the words. That pretty much described the environment I grew up in. Words had no meaning and never were taken at face value. There were always under lying motivations behind what people said. Their true feelings and emotions could never be put on display. Although I have made almost a complete turn around from this training, I still struggle with this to the present day, and probably always will.
When I looked at my mom and dad, I saw all the struggles and the life and environment that they had to grow up in. They were just doing the best that they could with what they had been given. They loved me and did the best that they knew how. They could never breakout of the pattern that was set in motion during the formative years of their lives.
Because of my foundation and environment, my personality and character were poured into a mold that didn't fit me. It wasn't until I grew up and went out to form a life of my own, that I really grew up. I realized who I really was. My strengths and my weaknesses and everything that made me....me. With a new pattern to follow, I have peace. I'm not saying there are no more struggles, because there are, but with a new me, I now have a new arsenal of weapons against the enemies of the past and the circumstances of the future.
I met Jesus Christ along the road called life, and He used people and circumstances to show me who I really was. Through His word, He put me into the mold that fit me like a glove. The one that He had always intended for me all along.
My wife came from a horrid back ground. Both physical and emotional abuse from a father who had an even worse back ground then hers. Those emotional scares are passed down from generation to generation. It's a never ending cycle.
There is a statement that my wife often talks about that is as vivid in her memory banks as if it just happened yesterday. Her father told her, that it looked like she was smuggling two watermelons in her hips. That statement was ingrained into her and she struggles with her physical appearance to this day. Now my wife is a very beautiful women. I mean no disrespect to any of the thin women out there, but God gave women to have those curves and those hips that give them the shape that drives men crazy. Marilyn Monroe was a shapely size twelve. But those words spoken to her over thirty years ago, still follow her around like an emotional assassin, trying to kill anything good that comes into her life.
Do you remember a statement or a name that people used to call you when you were young? Does it still sting you today? How words can build us up and also can be so damaging. High schools can be some of the most dangerous places, not just physical, but emotional as well.
My father always told me I was never going to amount to anything. I was stupid and was only going to be a garbage man for the rest of my life. I know that he said those words out of frustration and anger, but they still hurt. Be careful of your words.
Some Forms of Emotional Abuse
- Humiliating name calling using profanity
- Deliberately embarrassing someone - especially in public
- Controlling someones movement and activities
- Isolating someone from friends and family
- Controlling financial resources
- Withholding information or resources
Some people use the environment they grew up in as an excuse to have their way with people. They have no desire to be anything but how they were raised. If you were raised on a good platform, that's a good thing. Be who you are and accentuate your strengths. Help those who may be going down the same path that you have traveled. But when you think about it...we all have a little baggage that we carry around. We could all use a little tweaking.
In conclusion, take a long hard look in the mirror. What do you really see? Be honest, because your dishonesty can hurt so many people. You see when I walk around with a defective me, it effects all my family, friends, co-workers, spouse, and all those people who love and want to be close to me. My inability, or just down right hardness of heart, will lead to grief, causes of depression, emotional stress, and anger problems, and someone that you really cares about me...and someone that loves me and really desires to get close to me, won't be able too. Why?...because I have made them my emotional punching bag. I need to let all this pain out somewhere and on somebody and it is always the one who sees who I really am and loves me anyway. This is always the person who we beat up day after day after day. We are driving away the one, and maybe only person, who really loves us for who we are, and despite the hits they stay. Because they really care.
When the storms of life toss you to and fro, and all the smoke clears... look to see who is at your right... and who is at your left. Those are your real friends. Those are the people who really love you.
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I think a lot of what is wrong in our society and the world is based on this. We have a lot of people that are just walking around with a ton of baggage behind them, and they can't or they won't let it go or fix it and become a more balanced and happier person. Everybody would benefit.
Thank you Steve for your insight and taking the time to comment.
God bless
Thanks so much Brian, for this much needed and powerful message. I have recently shared status messages on Facebook with a similar focus.
A basic truism of our human nature, as I see it, can be summed up as: "Hurt people hurt people." An important corollary is: "When we're most in need of love is when we tend to make ourselves most unlovable."
On a related note, one of my all-time favorite quotes is this one by the Buddha: "Hatred never ceases through hatred, but through love alone is healed."
If ever there were a time when the the world needs "love, sweet love," it's now. And as is true in general about helping to change the world, the most effective strategy is to change ourselves.
Keep up this great work, Brian!
With best wishes,
George
You are right on target George. I get so frustrated when I just go about my daily routine and see so much anger and hatred every where. I like that statement, "hurt people, hurt people". We need to all get fixed. What a difference that would make in the world today. Why is it so hard to do?
Thank you George for that awesome comment.
God bless you.
Your words spoke to my heart. I am a retired teacher, and I have seen second garders who have already been so emotionally abused that they don't even believe me when I tell them they are smart,nice,cute, etc. No scars, no burns...at least on the outside.
Wow! That is so sad. Is it any wonder why our country is in such a mess? We have no leaders. No one feels adequate to lead, and if they do, it's for a self motivation. You can't give if you have nothing inside to give. When you have so many holes in your own heart to fill, how can you give to help others fill theirs?
My hat goes off to all the teachers. They do not have an easy job. The dedication and perseverance that they possess is incredible.
Thank you bayoulady, for teaching our children all those years, and for leaving your comment.
God bless you.
AS an adult we learn that noone can humiliate us UNLESS we let them. You have surpassed your emotionally limited upbringing because you have grown into such a caring adult. This hub proves that. Every experience has brought you to be the person you are today! Good hub, with a message for everyone. Keep the positive energies flowing.
Thank you fetty for your kind words, and thank you for taking the time to comment.
God bless fetty.
I was fortunate enough not to have parents who did this type of thing, but I think more people than we tend to think have to deal with someone (even if not parents) who is inclined toward being that way.
What happens when someone is like that toward a child is "its own thing", but I think, even as adults, when someone does that; we can "decide not to let it bother us", but there's still a sense of helpless when it comes to why we can't stop someone from treating us that way (in view of the fact that we're "otherwise confident and self-respecting people").
When adults are treated this way, being made to feel that sense of helplessness can lead to feeling ashamed; because self-respecting, confident, adults know they don't need to accept being treated that way. They have pride and dignity and can be ashamed at not being able to stop that treatment. Since they're dealing with someone who doesn't respect them enough to pay attention to what they say, that person won't stop or even acknowledge that he does anything "out of line". So, being victimized becomes the victim's "secret shame"; and the fact that, no matter how strong and self-respecting he is, he can't stop it becomes reason to lose confidence in his ability to stand up for himself.
Sorry for the length of the comment here, but I thought it was another angle to the problem of being someone's emotional punching bag.
Very insightful Lisa.
It's funny, no matter how old we are we will always remember that one remark or incident that put our weakness on display for everyone to see, when we were younger and very impressionable. It can hook into us and never let go. We can over come it but it is not easy.
I appreciate you taking the time, Lisa, to leave your comment.
Thank you very much
God bless
"When the storms of life toss you to and fro, and all the smoke clears... look to see who is at your right... and who is at your left. Those are your real friends. Those are the people who really love you."
Wonderful quote. Love it. I have always felt that 'family' is not who we were born to. It is the people who love us, regardless of their physical relationship to us. My closest friends are my family, because they are the ones who care about what happens to me beyond how it affects them. They care about me for my own sake, not because they feel they *ought* to care.
"When you have so many holes in your own heart to fill, how can you give to help others fill theirs?"
This is so true, yet people seem to expect us to give without first being healed ourselves. In churches we are constantly told to love others, yet rarely helped to love and accept ourselves. Jesus' command was "Love your neighbour as you love yourself", not just 'love your neighbour'. The inference is that we can, do, and should love ourselves, and that from this will come equal love for our neighbour.
I also agree with Lisa: people expect us adults to be able to deal effortlessly with others' hurtfulness and to not let it affect us. Really, this is complete nonsense. 'Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me' is one of those sayings that we are taught, not because it is true, but because our teachers *want* it to be true. Words hurt much worse, and for much longer, than sticks and stones do. It is as impossible to be unhurt by them as it is impossible to be unwounded by a bullet. Yet we are expected to be able to shrug it off and say, 'Oh, I am not bothered by it'. Of course we're bothered! Of course it hurts!
I have been in almost exactly the situation that Lisa describes. I have a younger sister who, I now realise, is very, very insecure. She hides this insecurity extremely well, so it took me a long time to figure out that that insecurity is what motivates her to be dismissive and patronising towards me. She often does and says things that are cruel but so subtle that they do not seem cruel to the casual observer. My sister is witty and popular, so any protest about her behaviour merely sounds like 'sour grapes' on the protester’s part. She is also very unsympathetic, but, again, she hides this under a veneer of caring, which is part of what makes her popular. She is 'a saint abroad and a devil at home'.
And I cannot stop this person from hurting me. I can't stop her from saying nasty things disguised as wit. As the older sibling, I am supposed to be unhurt by this kind of thing. (Though where is that written?) I am supposed to be 'above it'. When I talk to her about it, she tells me to 'get hard' or 'grow up' and argues that she is not saying anything wrong or cruel. For many years I could not even avoid her, and, since we are now both adults, there is little that our parents can do to quell her nastiness.
The solution that I have come to, after many years of this emotional abuse, is simply to avoid her as much as possible, and converse with her as little as possible. Since the problem cannot be resolved, all I can do is avoid her and learn to be bigger and more gracious than she is. She is the one with the problem; I will not stoop to her level or give her ammunition to use against me. Since she would never admit that she is insecure, I cannot help her; only time will help her out of her insecurity. In the meantime I must simply protect myself from her, and while I cannot feel particularly forgiving towards her, I will not stoop to revenge. I cannot stop the hurt, but I can minimise it, and I can remind myself that the problem lies with her: I do not have to make her problem into my problem. Her nastiness is not my fault – it is hers.
Another long comment - sorry - but I wanted to express my agreement and also to describe one possible solution to the problem when someone insists on hurting you. Though it's not very satisfactory, if someone refuses to listen to you, then maybe avoiding them is the only solution. To leave yourself in their path is to invite them to hurt you again.
That is an extremely hard place to be. With someone that you love yet their insecurities are hurting you and maybe others around her.
Avoiding her and running in another direction can ease your pain, but it will do nothing at bringing your relationship back together again.
All you can do is set her down and with all the love you can muster, tell her how what she is doing is hurting you. If she can't or won't see it, then there is really nothing else you can do. Except maybe one thing.
I don't know what your religious views, but when this happened to me, I would always pray for that person. When they would say something to hurt me, I would ask God to forgive them because they are hurting more than I am, and the only way they can release that pain is to shoot at someone else. You happen to be your sisters target. Try praying for her. It may not change the circumstances, but it will change you.
Thank you so very much in taking the time to sharing your story. I will keep both you and your sister in my prayers.
God bless you Anonymous.
Steve Nicholas 21 months ago
You are so right, Brian! I have known people who seem to use their family as an excuse, but I just don't understand why, if they know something is wrong, that they don't try to do the right thing instead. In some ways, people can easily tell that I am Steve and Faye Nicholas's son, but in other ways, I am very different. If most people are honest with themselves, they will realize the same thing.